Trapper’s Manly Haircut Simplification

Trapper’s Manly Haircut Simplification

Please forgive me, but I’ve been trying to keep Trapper from invading this “inner sanctum” of advice and encouragement for some time now.  Trapper has been my nickname for many years, fondly taken from the profession of my Mom’s dad, John Tyler Kidder, Sr.  He was a full blown genuine woodsman, President of the Maine Trapper’s Association for many years, in the early to mid 1900’s.  He raised my Mom and two boys by trapping numerous types of animals and guiding fisherman in the summers.  They lived deep in the woods of western Maine in a small two story “camp” perched on the side of Bald Mountain, looking down on “Mooselookmeguntik” Lake. Yes, that is the real name of the lake.  We don’t know the name of the indian whose powder was wet which prevented him from shooting the moose, but the name stuck!   I loved every moment I spent with Nanny and Barpy.  I learned to appreciate and respect all types of nature, birds and animals.  I was taught that a firearm was always “loaded,” and you never pointed any gun, not even a toy one, at anyone or anything unless you intended to shoot it.  Well, Trapper has been fussing at me to add his side of life issues once in a while, so today, in a moment of weakness I gave in and allowed him to offer some of his “sage” wisdom.  This choice seemed quite harmless, but I will monitor future offerings very carefully, I assure you!  But, for now, “Trapper Is In The House!”

Like a thousand other things in life, haircuts are profoundly gender specific.  Of course, style, shape, color, those, for sure, say girly or guy…..well, ok, there may be exceptions!  More than that though, the basic procedure varies significantly, as does the emotional connection surrounding the occasion.   Now I suppose some guy might mark his calendar weeks in advance.  There could be one, possibly two that would ruin a perfectly good lunch with two or three buds talking about his approaching hair day and pondering such weighty options as length, style, and even color.

For lots of guys, haircuts are added to our laundry list about once every two months when we look in the mirror during our morning shave, can’t see our ears, or our neck hair hangs way over our shirt collar.  It’s not a big deal, just another necessary annoyance…oh, and expense!  Let us not omit that monetary issue that just screams guy or gal!  Mercy, when I think of the money, lost forever, on “Katie’s Heavenly Hair Salon,” why it almost brings me to tears.  I was most confident, I could have easily bought a fishing boat or at least three or four G. Loomis or St. Croix bass fishing rods, if not for those continual “hair days.”

So today, in the interest of peace and marital harmony, ol’ Trapper is sharing with you wonderful reader friends, my “haircut simplification.”  It all began twenty-two years ago.   Honey Bunny and I were driving from Texas to south Florida to visit my parents.  On our second night, we stopped along the panhandle of Florida.  I was surfing the TV options when I came across this infomercial about saving hundreds of dollars on haircuts.  Ok, I bit, and followed along.  As the commercial continued, I sat with eyes glued to the set.  This was incredible, too good to be true, yet here it was right here in front of me.  Men could not only cut their own hair, they could even cut their wives’ and kids!!  The thought of all that money just made me dizzy.  The product was a small, hand-held electric clipper attached to a vacuum cleaner by a flexible plastic hose.  How simple!   How awesome!!  This sucker was going to keep me in golf, fishing and hunting gear forever!!  An assortment of attachments to adjust the cut length and the bevel or taper for shaping sides was also included.  This was haircut Nirvana!  To make it better, the vacuum would keep the loose hair off my neck, so no more itchy hours after the barber chair.  And to seal the deal, the price was super, one hundred bucks for the whole outfit!  Three easy payments, oh, what sweet words, I wrote down that 800 number and could hardly wait to make my order.  This was going to make me the envy of my bass fishing buds, and some of my golfing friends…my mind was racing on how to spend that extra cash!

Now, if you gals are waiting for a letdown conclusion, sorry.  Flowbee worked;  that’s right, I have smiled all the way to Cabelas for twenty years!  I own a great bass boat, nice golf clubs, …I cut my son’s hair, even my Mom’s before her passing.  My wife, well, she still likes “Heavenly Hair Salon” although I have, on occasion….oops, can’t tell…..Me, well, every other weekend, I hook up Flowbee

and come away looking great and wearing a big money smile.  Never been repaired, never failed in over twenty years …free enterprise, competition, better mouse traps….and some politicians are doing their darnedest to take all that away from us!  Well, Trapper says, never in the good ol’ US of A!…

“From my heart to yours”   ….see ya next time!

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